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Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

  • Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
  • Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
  • Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
  • Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
  • Dad: Hey are you awake? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
  • Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
  • Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
  • Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
  • Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
  • Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
  • Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
  • Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
  • Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
  • Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
  • Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
  • Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
  • Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
  • Dad: Fuck the government.
  • Dad: Fuck the school board.
  • Dad: Close the door.
  • Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
  • Dad: I love puns.
  • Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
  • Dad: Please shut up.
  • Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
  • Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
  • Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
  • Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
  • Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
  • Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
  • Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
  • Dad: They act like I care what they think.
  • Dad: I hate homework.
  • Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
  • Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.
Photoset

archiemcphee:

We wouldn’t blame you if you assumed that these indescribably awesome portraits of John Malkovich are photoshop job, but they aren’t. American portrait photographer Sandro Miller and, of course, the inimitable John Malkovich who collaborated to recreate a wide variety of iconically famous photographs.

Here you see their sublimely surreal recreations of Diane Arbus' Identical Twins, Herb Ritts' photos of Jack Nicholson as The Joker, Dorothea Lange’s Migrant Mother, Andy Warhol’s Self Portrait (Fright Wig), Arthur Sasse’s photo of Albert Einstein Sticking Out His Tongue, and Philippe Halsman’s portrait of Salvador Dalí.

The longer we look at these photos, the harder it is to convince ourselves that we’re actually awake.

Click here to view more (warning: some of the photos are NSFW).

Click here for a wonderful Chicago Tribune profile of Sandro Miller.

[via Reddit]

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Photoset

huffingtonpost:

STEPHEN COLBERT STEPS OUT OF CHARACTER, OFFERS HEARTFELT ADVICE TO YOUNG WOMEN

Stephen Colbert wants to talk to you about your boyfriend.

When Colbert sat down for Rookie’s “Ask A Grown Man” segment, he did so as himself, instead of the brash character he plays on his show.

Watch the full video and get all of Colbert’s wisdom and advice here. 

(via wilwheaton)

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genderofthenight:

Tonight’s Gender of the Night is: Galadriel losing her shit

genderofthenight:

Tonight’s Gender of the Night is: Galadriel losing her shit

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killerbeesting:

Vivian Maier, self portrait, 1957

killerbeesting:

Vivian Maier, self portrait, 1957

(via living-in-retro-world)

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thesimplegood:

"Let’s be human to each other." Beautiful installation at #northcoast curated by our friend @no_vwlz #thesimplegood #chicago #northcoast #art #music #streetart #community #humanity #peace #summer #festivals  (at Union Park)

thesimplegood:

"Let’s be human to each other." Beautiful installation at #northcoast curated by our friend @no_vwlz #thesimplegood #chicago #northcoast #art #music #streetart #community #humanity #peace #summer #festivals (at Union Park)

Link

daggerpen:

katthekonqueror:

fuck-me-barnes:

zeezoutenijs:

Sooo one of my mom’s colleagues and her kids went missing a few days ago, and like we didn’t know she was missing until we saw a missing notice posted on Facebook

… She’s not actually missing tho, she’s in…

Quote
"Just be happy, and if you can’t be happy, do things that make you happy. Or do nothing with the people that make you happy."

Esther Earl, This Star Won’t Go Out: The Life and Words of Esther Grace Earl (via anotherwillgrayson)

(via fur24)

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Video

fuckyeahnekocase:

These Aren’t the Droids (Neko Case, Ellie Kemper, Kelly Hogan)

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dailydot:

The New Yorker is opening its archive for everyone to read
Get ready to do some major binge-reading.

dailydot:

The New Yorker is opening its archive for everyone to read

Get ready to do some major binge-reading.

Photoset

room42:

esotouric:

Scenes from today’s Charles Bukowski-themed bus adventure. Los Angeles is beautiful and strange.

And every stop is neatly planned for a poet and a one-man band

Quote
"It is allowed to invent new verbs?
I want to create one for you: I sky you, so that my wings may stretch out enormously, to love you without boundaries."

— Frida Kahlo, “Passionate letters”, Abscondita (2002)

(Source: volaream, via room42)

Photoset

cross-connect:

Porcelain Figures series by photographer Martin Klimas

From a height of three meters, porcelain figurines are dropped on the ground, and the sound they make when they hit trips the shutter release. The result: razor-sharp images of disturbing beauty—temporary sculptures made visible to the human eye by high-speed photography technology. The porcelain statuette bursting into pieces isn’t what really captures the attention; the fascination lies in the genesis of a dynamic figure that replaces the static pose. In contrast to the inertness of the intact kitsch figurines Klimas started out with, the photographs of their destruction possess a powerfully narrative character.” (text from martin-klimas.de)

Pictures from Juxtapoz Magazine

Posted to Cross Connect by Miyuki

(via umiko-hitara)